somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
