my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
