Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
