I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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