My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
