they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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