I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
