So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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