I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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