I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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