I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
