Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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