Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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