I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
