I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
