so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
