i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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