The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
