I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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