I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
