Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
