I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
