genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
