I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i came on her dog
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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