I smell stomach acid.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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