I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
