I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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