we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
