The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
