I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
