I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
