I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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