but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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