I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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