You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
How's work?
Spinning.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
