I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
