update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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