Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have already put on my inside pants.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
