Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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