playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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