I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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