Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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