I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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