Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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