I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
