SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
