I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
