True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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