I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
