and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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