Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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