Ambien. No doubt about it.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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