Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
