Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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