Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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