someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
