I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
is wine microwaveable?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
