I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
